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Monthly Archives

January 2016

Maybe I’ll Never Get Married

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marriage

Banish that thought from your head, right now!

Rest assured that the other half of your soul is out there. G-d originally created Adam and Chava as one body. Their subsequent separation was only for the purpose of their eventual reunification. So too, everyone has their other half waiting for them.

This is why we must shift our perspective. Your spouse is out there, because you are meant to be married to one another. It’s preordained.

Therefore, how much longer can you remain separated? G-d will surely bring you together. It is G-d’s will that it should happen and so it will happen.

In the meantime, stay focused.

Don’t think about marrying a man or marrying a woman. Focus on finding your husband or your wife. The verse in the Torah says “a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife” (Genesis 2:24) – not to a woman.

This is why women should not be thinking about men and men should not be thinking about women. It isn’t nice and it isn’t kosher. Your job is only to look for your spouse.

Sure, you can make a list of the qualities you’d like in a spouse. But don’t take your list too seriously.

A shadchan didn’t call you back? Ok, so call another shadchan. It is not up to them. Only G-d can determine whom you marry and when it happens.

The only variable is through which channel your bashert will arrive. He or she might come through this shadchan or through that shadchan or not through a shadchan at all!

G-d has many emissaries, but remember that it is only G-d who calls the shots.

We need to think rationally. Rational thinking means recognizing that I’m probably typical. If the vast majority of people find a spouse, then I will too.

Don’t pay attention to statistics and don’t entertain scary thoughts about never getting married. Trust in G-d and stay focused on your individual mission.

Is There Really a Shidduch Crisis?

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I often hear single people not only complain about being single, but also about the fact that many of their friends can’t seem to get married as well. I can’t get married and she can’t get married and she can’t get married. There must be a crisis! Before we address this subject, I think it is relevant to mention a story that occurred some years ago.

A series of tragedies befell the Montreal Jewish community in a very short time. Numerous people wrote letters to the Lubavticher Rebbe proclaiming that “everything is going wrong.” There seemed to be one misfortune after another. He was asked what could potentially be the cause of this phenomenon. The Rebbe replied that goodness works in groups. Kedusha works in groups. But kelipa – the opposite of holiness – does not cooperate. Bad never cooperates with bad. This teaches us that bad things are incapable of working together. Therefore, we must steer clear of classifying them as part of one unified negative whole. If three bad things happen, they are three independent, separate, unrelated events. One is not connected to the other. There is no “conspiracy” at work. But we’re very prone to suspecting a conspiracy whenever things don’t go our way.

And this brings me back our original topic.

Is there a “shidduch crisis?” The entire question is counterproductive. What would a shidduch crisis have to do with you? It’s not like a group of single women got together and decided: “Let’s make a crisis.” The fact that there are other people who are still unmarried has nothing to do with you. And isn’t it remarkable just how quickly the crisis vanishes once you get engaged? Don’t think of yourself as part of a “crisis” and don’t subscribe to ‘group-think.’ You don’t get married as a group and you don’t stay single as a group. Getting married is not a group project.

It’s time to stop thinking in “crisis” terms and to start thinking as an individual.

Finding your bashert is a private matter that is only between you, your future husband, and G-d.