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Should I Make a List of what I’m Looking for in a Spouse?

Manis Friedman explains why morality is more important than equality

Who you’re going to marry is an irrelevant question, because it has already been decided. In fact, G-d already handpicked your spouse for you before you were born (Sotah 2a).

It’s too late. You’re going to end up with your husband or your wife. Whatever he or she is going to be, he or she already is. Nothing you can do about it now.

Should you make a list of the qualities that you are looking for in a spouse? Sure, go ahead. It couldn’t hurt, but don’t take it too seriously.

The good thing about making a list is it helps you to better understand what is going on in your own head. If making a list helps you to gain a sense of clarity, which helps you to breathe easier while dating, then it is a nice thing to do.

But don’t expect him or her to look like your list. Your list is not going to change whoever it is G-d decreed you will marry.

Look at couples where the wife is a head taller than her husband. Do you think they planned it to be that way? I doubt it. And yet they seem to be happily married.

So, rather than thinking about who you are going to marry, think more about how you are going to treat the one that you marry. What kind of husband or wife will you be? What kind of home do you want to create? What kind of life are you going to build together with your spouse?

Answering these questions is far more relevant than trying to figure out what sort of person you will marry – something that has already been decided for you.

Who your spouse will be is not up to you. And that’s great news.

Because if it was up to you, you would probably end up marrying a custom designed robot with perfect features – a “Mr. Potato Head.” Thankfully, you’re not the one choosing so you don’t have to worry.

Spend less time thinking about what kind of spouse you want and more time thinking about what kind of spouse you’re going to be.