Is There Really a Shidduch Crisis?

I often hear single people not only complain about being single, but also about the fact that many of their friends can’t seem to get married as well. I can’t get married and she can’t get married and she can’t get married. There must be a crisis! Before we address this subject, I think it is relevant to mention a story that occurred some years ago.

A series of tragedies befell the Montreal Jewish community in a very short time. Numerous people wrote letters to the Lubavticher Rebbe proclaiming that “everything is going wrong.” There seemed to be one misfortune after another. He was asked what could potentially be the cause of this phenomenon. The Rebbe replied that goodness works in groups. Kedusha works in groups. But kelipa – the opposite of holiness – does not cooperate. Bad never cooperates with bad. This teaches us that bad things are incapable of working together. Therefore, we must steer clear of classifying them as part of one unified negative whole. If three bad things happen, they are three independent, separate, unrelated events. One is not connected to the other. There is no “conspiracy” at work. But we’re very prone to suspecting a conspiracy whenever things don’t go our way.

And this brings me back our original topic.

Is there a “shidduch crisis?” The entire question is counterproductive. What would a shidduch crisis have to do with you? It’s not like a group of single women got together and decided: “Let’s make a crisis.” The fact that there are other people who are still unmarried has nothing to do with you. And isn’t it remarkable just how quickly the crisis vanishes once you get engaged? Don’t think of yourself as part of a “crisis” and don’t subscribe to ‘group-think.’ You don’t get married as a group and you don’t stay single as a group. Getting married is not a group project.

It’s time to stop thinking in “crisis” terms and to start thinking as an individual.

Finding your bashert is a private matter that is only between you, your future husband, and G-d.

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