For some time now, we’ve been told that the key to relationships is unconditional love. If you can look someone in the eye and say “i love you no matter what,” then all problems will disappear. If a mother tells her child “I love you unconditionally” then the child will feel better and grow up healthy.
So we are told. But in truth, when a mother tells her child “I love you unconditionally,” the child feels detached and rejected.
Love is an emotion, and emotions are reactions. Love connects people because it is a positive, pleasure-filled reaction to another. If the love ceases to be a reaction and becomes “unconditional,” then the connection is severed.
If you say to someone “no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter who you become, I will always love you,” you are telling them that what they say, what they do and who they are doesn’t matter.
When you love unconditionally, you dismiss the person, and choose to focus only on how you feel about them. You stop seeing them and only see yourself. You reject the world of objectivity where they exist and matter together with you, and choose relativism where nothing exist but you, and you alone.
What a mother should tell her child is, “no matter what, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter who you become, no matter how i feel about you, I will always be your mother, and therefore you have me!”
In other words “even when i hate you, you will matter to me more than anything, because I am your mother no matter what.”
For more insight into your relationships, you can download Rabbi Friedman’s free audio book here: https://itsgoodtoknow.org/free-audio-book/
